FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
You Might Also Like
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Discuss
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare