Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
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saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.