Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
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Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker