Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
An odd boast
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
i smell a pulitzer
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]