Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
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As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide