My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
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I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments