I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
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My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom