Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
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Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
it was love at first sight
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
i’m sure it’s fine
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.