A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
You Might Also Like
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all