Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
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*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…