COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
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Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Attacked by a mop.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“I’m helping” 😅
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.