My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
had to make it
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift