Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
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What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Optional boss fight.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Saw online –
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”