Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
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I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Ah..makes sense now
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.