*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Kermit goes Blue.