Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
You Might Also Like
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.