Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.