My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
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“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Squirrels before girls.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal