My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
You Might Also Like
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Girl, same.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for