My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
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I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.