NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
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Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.