does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
tinder is all about the long game
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me