Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware