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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Dishonest mechanic?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…