*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
You Might Also Like
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I can fix him.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.