I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
*watches the world burn*
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.