*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
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Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.