hmm conte-me mais
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Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
U talkin 2 me?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*