It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
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I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Happy Taco Tuesday
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?