Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….