I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
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is this a threat
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication