Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
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wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
My teenage children choosing violence
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.