An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Lube but for my dry humor.