Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
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*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Ken is short for chicken
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable