[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
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“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx