I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
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*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
How I’d get arrested…
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
real
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.