The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
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I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist