So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I hope this email punches you square in the face
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S