My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
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USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
My boss called in sick of me
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.