click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
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[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
i think both sides are to blame here
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.