a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.