Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
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I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.