[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
You Might Also Like
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I forgot how to panic. Help
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.