If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Why is everyone getting married at me
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭