The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
You Might Also Like
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…