I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.