guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”