Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.