“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
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[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?