Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
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My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.